Amuck Without a Vision

Inside the Mind:
Thank you all for your comments on my last entry. Those words are more encouraging than you might think. I find it very easy to become ensnared and discouraged by my own seemingly useless position. I am only a brush of paint on an overwhelmingly large painting; how can I tell what the big picture looks like? The only one who knows that would be the one who created the painting in the first place. He is able to see how each individual, tiny stroke adds the needed effect to make the painting complete. And what a wonderful painting it is.

I remember a discussion we had in a college Bible study last summer on the topic of discovering God’s will for your life. One of the points that was made on this topic, related to developing a vision for your future. With a specific vision in your mind (Christ centered of course), many seemingly difficult decisions in life can be made easier by looking at how this decision will affect your vision. Once you have a vision to help clear away the fog, it is much easier to tell whether you are walking in the right direction or not. Sounds fine and dandy, doesn’t it? Much easier said than done. I have met and read about so many people that knew the general direction where God was leading them. It starts from a concern or passion and slowly grows into a vision. My problem is that I have been shaken around so much over the past six months that I don’t know what to think about my passions anymore. I don’t know my place in His kingdom and sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be able to develop a vision. I feel like one of the three blind mice.

Throughout this struggle, I have to constantly remind myself of God’s sovereignty. He cares for the birds of the air and clothes the lilies of the fields – why should I be worrying about my future when I am in my Savior’s arms? He would not let me suffer needlessly. I must trust that I am being mixed up for a reason unbeknownst to me now, but one that will uncover itself in His perfect timing. There are lessons yet to be learned in my life. I am here to glorify Christ – not to get comfortable in the back seat with the cruise control activated.

While a little off topic – yet somewhat related, I recall a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that fits my thoughts exactly right now:

How could I stand here
And watch the sun rise
Follow the mountains
Where they touch the sky
Ponder the vastness
And the depths of the sea
And think for a moment
The point of it all was to make much of me
'Cause I'm just a whisper
And You are the thunder and...

I want to make much of You, Jesus
I want to make much of Your love
I want to live today to give You the praise
That You alone are so worthy of
I want to make much of Your mercy
I want to make much of Your cross
I give You my life
Take it and let it be used
To make much of You

And how can I kneel here
And think of the cross
The thorns and the whip and the nails and the spear
The infinite cost
To purchase my pardon
And bear all my shame
To think I have anything worth boasting in
Except Your name
'Cause I'm a sinner
And You are the Savior and...

I want to make much of You, Jesus
I want to make much of Your love
I want to live today to give You the praise
That You alone are so worthy of
I want to make much of Your mercy
I want to make much of Your cross
I give You my life
Take it and let it be used
To make much of You

Verse of the Week:
Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. – Psalm 40:5

Impatience and Hope for the Future

Inside the Mind:
I was talking with Anon and My Fair Lady last night on the topic of how God is working in our generation of friends and family. It is such an exciting thing to see God visibly work through situations in the lives of people who are close to us, resulting in a large impact for the kingdom. I praise God and rejoice for what He is doing in their lives, and yet I feel a hint of despair at my own seemingly small usefulness in His kingdom. It’s as if I am sitting on the sideline of the biggest championship game in history as the rest of my team marches on to victory. When will the coach put me in? When will I be able to use my God-given gifts to their fullest extent and aid in the advancement of His kingdom? How long will I be kept in the dark - away from the plans He has for my life?

These questions I find myself asking more and more as time zips by, never to be seen again. My time on earth is short, but I want to spend that time effectively for His glory. Oh, how I long for Him to use me! Amidst my impatience, I often overlook the fact that He needs to mold me into that perfect puzzle shape before I will fit into the puzzle. I cannot fit into the puzzle as I am. I must be patient and allow perseverance to finish its work in me. He has given me many responsibilities and relationships that He will use to continue to mold me and make me, until the time has come. My future is in the dark, but I have His faithfulness and grace to look on in my past, which will allow me to hope for the work He will do in my future.

I am currently reading the book, Shadow of the Almighty, which is biography on Jim Elliot. It is inspiring to read of someone who was so passionate for Christ and so heaven-minded in his purpose for life that his every action was used to further Christ’s kingdom. Reading this book, I can identify with many of his thoughts early on in his life. According to his diaries, Jim felt the very way I am feeling right now for most of his life. As I continued to read through his life, I saw circumstance after circumstance that God through at him to prepare him for God’s future work. This encourages me of the truth that God continues to work in our lives even if we do feel helpless. During this time, it is our duty to make the most of every single opportunity, whether it be small or large, and passionately use that opportunity for His glory, no matter the result that will occur. When we are ready in His eyes and the time has arrived, He will make the move to put us in the game.

The following is a quote by Jim Elliot that I found to be exceedingly inspiring:

“The past is gone, and I am glad, both for its going and for the way it went. God has led in, through, and out, by the best route possible, we may believe. I am particularly conscious of the Christian’s right to expect events to be exactly for good. ‘As for God, His way is perfect.’ ”

I made plenty of stupid mistakes in the past that has furthered me from God’s presence, and I am not pleased with how far away I am away from His presence at this time. Thankfully, God is faithful, graceful, and forgiving. Even at my distance, He longs to guide me closer to His presence. The mistakes that occurred in my past, I cannot help but think they were done for a reason. I am still feeling the effects of these mistakes and am continually learning from them. God knows my life more than I do, and I trust that He is guiding me by the best route possible to overcome my hardness of heart, so that I might become usable for His glory. His ways are perfect.

Prayer Requests:
That I would be patient and enduring until the time He has for me. That I would not be discouraged due to lack of opportunities since I began working full time over winter break.

Verse of the Week:
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. – Psalm 40:1-3